"The first thing you do at the end is reflect on the beginning. Maybe it's some form of reverse closure, or just the basic human impulse toward sentimentality, or masochism, but as you stand there shell-shocked in the charred ruins of your life, your mind will invariably go back to the time when it all started. And even if you didn't fall in love in the eighties, in your mind it will feel like the eighties, all innocent and airbrushed, with bright colors and shoulder pads and Pat Benatar or The Cure on the soundtrack.” ~ Jonathan Tropper, This is Where I Leave You
It seems to be the year of closure for me. First, after so many years of self-imprisonment, I finally was able to let go of my hatred. I've made my peace with TK. And now, after more than fifteen years, once and for all, I finally have closed the chapter on a part of my life that had remained unresolved.
I never found out "why" things happened the way that they did between us. The "why" did not matter in the long run. After such deception, there was no way back. But that did not ease the pain of knowing that I was just a secondary choice.
He contacted me last week, to "explain" and beg for my "forgiveness." In my heart, there was nothing to forgive, because I had been over it. I let him attempt to explain. This confession was not about me anyway. It was about him, and how he had to relieve himself of the guilt that he had been carrying around all these years. After he lifted the weight of it all off of his shoulders, he broke down and wept, and I could hear the shuddering of his chest and shoulders as he sobbed over the phone.
I felt weightless and free after his soulful confession. All I could think about was how happy I am now, and how differently my life would have been if he and I had stayed together. The destruction of our relationship set both of our lives into the path that we had both taken separately, and I am happy that things have worked out as they did. I have G and I have found an even greater love with GP than I ever did have with him.
I am learning that sometimes what we end up with in life is actually better than what we thought we had really wanted.